Orphaned Dreamers

2008-05-16T18:24:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/user/pangeaday

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DbaLsHIloFE&feature=PlayList&p=CBF9E24E6CD89E69&index=9

I have been blessed with Grandsons

2008-05-06T10:24:00.000-07:00

Tommy playing the Udu.

James eating ice cream and with cousin Shelbe.

Springtime

2008-03-19T08:57:00.000-07:00

Springtime is showing it's smile

all the daffodils are blooming

bright yellow

and some with white and yellow

whispering to me

warmer days are on the way.

i'm in the perfect place

at the perfect time

i'm smiling

we can't find gold elastic anywhere

2008-03-03T08:03:00.000-08:00

we can't find Gold Elastic anywhere and we need it to finish a costume. does anyone have a gold elastic connection?

update: we found the gold! i went to santa cruz and sewed for three days straight. bellydancer skirt bra vest and belt and dress rehersal went well. my daughter looked strong and beautiful and shiny and i'm so proud of her. i'm beaming a smile so big. can you see it?

Rainbows and Goddesses in Training

2008-02-21T16:54:00.000-08:00

dancing in my kitchen

laughing on the lawn

beautiful granddaughters

playing in the rainbows mist

i was bidding and watching an ebay auction and i was feeling so great and confident. i have bought and sold from ebay before and i knew there was the chance that the last five minutes i could still get outbid, so i sat refreshing the page every 5 seconds

just to be sure i was still the high bidder.

then when there were only 35 seconds left

all of a sudden

someone comes bursting out with a higher bid and

i tried to put my new bid in and hit return

and boom i was outbid

and the sale was over

i was so shocked i didn't get that one.

i mean i really really felt like i had that one.

Suzi Blu has a great conversation

going on over at her place

and it has been about vulgarity

and freedom and art

and the myths of lady-like and

socially accepted values and a whole lot more.

i embraced vulgarity and ranted

Visual changes made me sick, all of a sudden

the computer screen seemed to be caving in, i stood up and my entire body glowed red,

i lay on the coach but then the heat and sweat overtook me and i had to find the cold floor and i vomited. thought i'd die it lasted so long, puking emotion. i have to admit i did begin to make deals with the devil

after i'd been throwing up all night monday and

all day tuesday saw the doc again wednesday and

got a shot in my butt to stop the nausea so today i'm back.

I heard today again:

we can choose to be

choose to be bitter and sad and sick

we can choose to be happy and fairly healthy

today i choose to be happy even tho my butt still hurts from the shot.

thanks Suzi i love your art and your attitude.

we love it we need it we want it

rainbows and promises

Valentine

2008-02-14T17:45:00.000-08:00

this is a picture of my first grandson with my daughters hands which equal love. i can feel the love. but really ok because i know no one comes here to visit and see this i can honestly tell you i cried all day long. i don't really know why. but it's true i did. but then i went over to youtube and i have to tell you the youtube community is so wonderful and full of love. i feel better now.
so if any one is listening, seriously go to youtube, rate the videos and comment on them and you will feel the love. if you don't, come back here and cry with me and we can make art to heal we can we will. ok i'm feeling better now.

Sunshine

2008-02-05T16:25:00.000-08:00

it is so important for me to remember to see the glass is half full, and be grateful for my life.
i tell myself to smile.
i have projects going in every room
i feel the confusion
i think i can finish them
before they do me in.

some unfinished art of mine

2008-01-30T00:29:00.000-08:00

It snowed all day

2008-01-29T22:18:00.000-08:00

counting our blessings

2008-01-24T08:46:00.000-08:00

it's difficult sometimes to count our blessings when we loose someone to the finality of death. i tend to want to scream and yell and shout and cry, yes cry, the hard ugly sobs of true sadness. death comes swiftly, quietly, right in the middle of a regular day, death comes and steals from us someone me may have just kissed yesterday, the sweet smell of that life still lingers nearby, how can they be just gone?

i wrote to one friend about Heath Ledger's death and she wrote back "What is a health ledger?"

i must admit i didn't know much about him, i haven't seen Brokeback yet, i mostly fell in love with his face on the news, such a beautiful jaw, a majestic forehead and he reminded me of my first love Steven James who also died young while trying to save his mother in a house fire. i cried and i wrote to my daughter and she wrote this:

Okay, so you should watch "A Knight's Tale" One of my faves, great (funny) Heath
Ledger movie....he was so good in The Patriot and (Brokeback...you should see
it, it's just a really sweet and sad love story, it's not visually graphic) He
also starred in that Bob Dylan movie that Tom and I just saw- "I'm not there"
He was a total babe and it is just heartbreaking....I guess he had a really hard
time sleeping and just accidentally took too many pills...poor baby.
When we found out last night Tommy said...
" That's trippy....he's just gone....Poof! Heath Ledger is gone" -nuff said
Life is short and fleeting and we need to cherish all of it....

this was going to be a happy week, my new mystic haze carpet arrived and i painted a little of the room in preparation, i had a fine fire going and i started to move paintings in to the newly carpeted space. but then i saw a face on the news that swept up dusty memories and i just started crying. my fires gone out. it snowed this morning.

i'm remembering a story i saw of a woman who had lost her four year old son to cancer and her husband was angry and just pissed off at the world and couldn't move on and yet she had an amazing buoyancy and she said she just felt blessed that she had those four years. it wasn't a lose, she didn't loose anything, instead she was so grateful for having known that love at all.

i'm going to rent some of those movies from netflix. i am going to get the fire going again. i will post a video real soon of the mystic haze and some of my unfinished art.

peace.

what to do what to do phase one of lumpy gravy

2008-01-13T12:06:00.000-08:00

ok so the guy is coming tomorrow to measure the room for my new carpet and i'm so excited but i just realized i really should paint before it gets here but what color? the room is on the north side of the house so it stays cool and in the summertime it is a great place to hang out when the temps soar into the 100's. the carpet i ordered is called 'mystic haze' and looked very magical in it's tiny 3"x 6" sample piece at the carpet store. somewhere in the low purplish color range i think, although i get very confused with all of the choices so i hope when it gets here i like it.
so what colors to consider for the walls and ceiling that is the challenge. Help! i am putting it out into the universe to be considered.
meanwhile i have to empty the room of all that little annoying stuff that is everywhere, always overflowing from baskets...
it looks like the room just threw up. Blah!
stuff oozzes out and screams at me
" look at me"
and
"tell me again why i am in your life"

i get that one alot.

TWINS

2008-01-10T11:02:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BABIES
35 years flew by way too fast.

It's still raining here but the electricity has finally stabilized and is allowing me once again to join the year 2008 after what seems like forever in a twilight zone of frozen moments thawed only by the wood fire and old dogs and cats that want to snuggle close and yes more blankets up over our nose and gloves and hats on lots of socks and 27 sweaters .... cute real cute...
my god it was so boring without power. wood stove in my living room, oil lamp to read by, cold food and wind and rain blowing around like it was
trying
to tell me something
and i listened
really hard
i really did.

and i have to admit i cried a bit.
well okay
i cried alot.

well it is so much better today, of course i still only have the wood heat and i still can't stop crying but i have you now too.
and i've missed you all so much.

SO HAPPY BIRTHDAY

and to day is a really special day because thirty five years ago this morning at 4:28 am i gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl who weighted five pounds and then at 4:33 am i gave birth to a beautiful baby boy who was five pounds too....
hooray
it is the best thing i ever did in my life.

i remember the doctor had told me i could take them home if they weighted at least five pounds and so for the last three weeks i had left the cabin in the mountains of santa cruz that was my home that had simply wood heat and an outhouse and literally a hundred steep steps up a mountain to get to it and i went over the hill to the valley to stay with my mother in forced air heat land, in door plumbing and flat streets and family.
i had wanted to have a home birth, but because i was having twins it was too risky. with all that step climbing, and i do remember just hopping up the hill i was in such great shape then but in my eighth month of pregnancy i was going into labor and i was three centimeters dilated already. that's when the doctor told me i had to lay low for awhile and let the babies fatten up a little so i went to my mothers.
my mother and i barely got along so it was not easy being there and by the end of that third week feeling wreckless i took the dogs running around lake laganita and i slipped and fell and my labor started for real. i remember driving home from the lake in my old covertible vw bug with two big wet german shepherds in the back seat and it started to rain so hard and the top was leaking and by big ole belly was contracting so hard up against the steering wheel and i drove back to my moms. she was having a fit that i wouldn't go to the hospital.
i was doing my breathing and trying to get a hold of everyone in santa cruz that i needed to have with me. it took hours and there was a big storm and my mother was screaming 'i don't want these babies to be born in my living room' and i was doing my breathing. finally baby daddy shows up and by 10:30 pm we were all ready for the big show. i had my midwife raven and my labor coach janet and dr creevy and an entire twin team at stanford hospital in palo alto and the baby daddy all in the delivery room with me.
wow. when my daughter Summer entered my world she was screaming and then when i held her she looked like a little bird and then i saw that she was an angel and she stopped crying for a while. i had to hand her off because i was still in labor and my son, Gabe was a footling breech. dr creevy had to go inside and grab his foot and lead him out and when he was finally resting on my belly he was quiet and very blue but he looked at me and i saw he was an angel and he would be fine and they wisked him off and put him into a warm plastic box with heat and oxygen and i couldn't hold him again for eight hours.
wow
thirty five years
the very finest thing i have ever produced
the most difficult
the most rewarding
the most love ever
the most pride
i love you two so much
to the stars and beyond
for ever and eternity and even after that
i will always love you
thank you for that

New Year

2008-01-01T10:11:00.000-08:00

Chambers Brothers singing TIME while we walk around in a daze, hopefully the back of the house will be mended soon, you can sort of see the pile of supplies by the fish pond, but my camera work needs attention so that's one of my goals for the future is to produce a movie that doesn't play like an old acid trip but this one certainly bops around a little too much. There is a new gate that goes up the hill out to the rest of my yard that is off to the side of the back of the house by the stairs and I want to build something magical and spiritual over there like a cob house with a bottle wall and maybe a circle of rocks for a prayer. wow! i can't believe it's 2008 and i am still alive. yippee!!!! the best is yet to come.

well the video is fighting me so i'll keep trying.

Peaceful New Years Eve

2007-12-31T16:05:00.001-08:00

Happy Christmas

2007-12-24T09:25:00.000-08:00

Visit with Sasha

2007-12-06T08:07:00.000-08:00

my first flip video....i love this thing!!! This is my BFF Nancy's dog Sasha. I had just put the batteries in my new FLIP video camera while Sasha and i waited in the car for Nance to finish shopping. this camera is so easy and it's the size of a cell phone and plugs right into the back of my imac and i saw it online for just a hundred bucks. very cool.

This is at Nancy's home when i was getting ready to go and Sasha was talking. She is so beautiful. A beautiful she wolf five years old who loves to lay outside in the snow and has a coyote for a boyfriend who courts her from beyond the fenceline.

it's raining, i have to make a fire
i want to walk and take videos
it's so grey gray and drippy cold
i'll stay inside for now
and just call out hello world....i am so happy to be here today
i am so grateful for my peaceful plot up here in the middle of nowhere, i'll make videos of it soon so you can see, but first
i must get the fire going and get warm
december holidays and birthdays and always change are all a flurry and my mind is having trouble focusing i have way too many projects started little dream orphans waiting to be adopted and nourished, each one calling me, shouting out their qualities and needs and i promise you that in my next fifty years i hope to raise each one to their finest potential
o boy have a wonderful day world i love you

Thursday Rain

2007-12-06T07:17:00.000-08:00

Daisy dog and Charlie

lost girl

2007-11-29T09:27:00.000-08:00

Wednesday

2007-11-28T20:39:00.000-08:00

Babies

2007-11-28T07:01:00.000-08:00

This is Lola the goat that lived in my house for awhile, sleeping with Booger the kitty. Lola was born on Christmas day but her mom had a nervous break down and wouldn't give her the time of day so i bottle fed her and kept her in diapers until she was strong enough to live outside. Booger was a sickly kitty who always had a snot nose and although i pampered him he had a very short life. I was blessed to have the time i had with him, he was very sweet.
I had a pure white goat named 'Snow White', the little girl next door helped me name her, and that goat loved Molly, my donkey and would jump onto Molly's back ... pretty cute they were. at the same time we had a black baby goat and his name was 'Prince Charming'. Snow and her Prince went off to live on another farm, but Molly is still here.

barn yard

2007-11-27T17:55:00.000-08:00

Kitty

2007-11-27T14:37:00.000-08:00

this is my very first slideshow of some of the kitties that have graced my life since 2000. all of them are loved, most were strays we found in the barnyard from the fertile female in the neighborhood...by 2005 we finally caught the wild mama and had her spayed.

ok campers now that i know how i will be making more and sooner or later get round to the art. peace out. the forest is quiet.

Mermaids artists unknown

2007-11-25T11:06:00.000-08:00

Gratitude

2007-11-25T10:07:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving is yesterday however gratitude remains a daily moment to moment chant in my head, my being trembles with excitement as there is so much to be grateful for this year and i intend to document the events and possibly not use any punctuation at all as it seems to slow the process except for the times when i need to make a point about a certain feeling like being thankful.
Family!!! viva la familia !!!
yes i am so blessed with family and yes thank you to the universe yes yes thank you
Ha! laughter thank you!!
making ART thank you very much!!!
and for all that fantastic food: fresh organic no preservatives in anything this year.
My beautiful belly dancing vegetarian hippy mama daughter cooked her first bird for all of us and it was so delish so fantastic, so beautiful and all fresh and natural. the table was outstanding the wine smooth in stemmed glasses on a gold and red cloth that covered the long long tables with silky richness.
She has given me two outrageously gorgeous grandsons and a loving biker son-in-law covered in tattoos, just like we always dreamed of.
Thank you.
My amazing business man tree champion humble loving father son the younger twin by five minutes, was there with his two beautiful daughters and my daughter-in-law the red head we always envisioned in our lives.
Thank you.
My little sister and her friend completed the day and of course the token single person we love and made come over made the table complete with love and thanks and hope for a fabulous year.
i agree
the only prayer we need is
THANK YOU
i say it as a chant

Live well, love MULCH, laugh often.

Number 2

2007-11-10T09:23:00.000-08:00

Today I am going to try and figure out how to make a video blog. I have an iMac and so we'll see how it goes with the tutorial on-line. Cloudy here today, rain tonight . I'm cold. I keep thinking about the question of the tree in the forest, will i be able to make any noise and will anyone hear me?

Testing the waters and the net

2007-11-08T07:55:00.000-08:00

This is a test.
My first blog.
Living on a farm can be heaven.